Man Code: Guide to Partying on Your Wedding Night
Man Code: Guide to Partying on Your Wedding Night
Who’s gonna rock the party? You’re gonna rock the party. But it’s your wedding night, and Man Code requires you to adhere to a few simple rules that will ensure you don’t black out, don’t throw up, don’t fall over or say something stupid, and don’t embarrass your bride, your new father-in-law, or yourself.
Rule Number 1 – Warm Up
You wouldn’t play a game of co-ed strip football without limbering up first. And you certainly shouldn’t go into your wedding night reception without a pre-game warm up.
What’s the best way to warm up? Australian researchers recently uncovered that drinking pear juice before a big night out is the only scientifically proven way to fight off hangovers the next day. “To reduce the effects of a hangover you need to either drink 220ml of [Asian] pear juice or eat a whole pear before consuming alcohol.” Leave it to the Aussie’s to uncover such a wonderful piece of scientific knowledge. Sure, America put a man on the moon, but this is really revolutionary. Only problem, it’s hard as hell to find pear juice anywhere in the US, let alone Asian Pear Juice. Try the interweb.
What else can you do? For starters, drink lots of water – alcohol causes dehydration, and dehydration causes hangovers. You should also consider a run – or some other type of vigorous exercise before the wedding night. Go running with your groomsmen, play basketball, take a bike ride, or just head out for a hike. There’s gotta be a lot on your mind, and exercise raises serotonin levels – the chemical that makes you happy – and a happy groom makes for a happy wife, and a happy wife means a happy life. Better yet, exercise has been linked to a better sex life and less severe hangovers. Plus, you’ll look great in your duds.
Rule Number 2 – Pace Yourself
This isn’t an initiation into Lambda Lambda Lambda – there will be no panty raids at the Pie House or epic battles with the cool guys at Alpha Beta (yes, that’s a reference to the seminal classic Revenge of the Nerds) – but there will be dancing and likely drinking and likely a lot of good-old-fashioned Tom Foolery.
So how does a Man Code subscriber pace himself while still getting that sweet little buzz on that makes everything just a little more loose? It’s all about pacing yourself. Like marriage, a wedding party is a marathon not a sprint. The human body generally metabolizes a standard drink (that’s 12 ounces of beer, 5 ounces of wine or a shot of alcohol) every hour. If you do this, you’ll only get slightly buzzed. Want to turn it up a notch? Go for two drinks every hour, alternating in a non-alcoholic drink every hour. This will help you stay hydrated. You don’t want to go faster than that, because you’ll be drunk. And you know that being drunk is not the way you want to start your new life as Man and Wife. More than that, this is a night for elegance and poise… and it’s a night to remember, so stick below that two-drink-per-hour limit. Your groomsmen can help. Here’s some more FAQs on moderation.
Rule Number 3 – Dance Your Ass Off
Yes, you want to dance your ass off. You want to do slow dances and slow jams. You can swing and sachet and promenade. You can even do the electric shuffle. But Man Code does forbid a few dances on the wedding night. Subsection A-1 of the wedding party chapter strictly states “Unless you live in Compton or own a bedazzler, twerking is strictly prohibited on the wedding night.” It also forbids Krumping and Vogueing, but encourages some of the classics like the Chicken Dance and the Shout. Modern takes on the old classics, such as the The Humpty Dance, the Roger Rabbit and the Robot, are also encouraged.
Rule Number 4 – Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
OK. You’re pacing yourself, you’re dancing your ass off…. And you’re considering having your friend throw you in the air for a sweet backflip. You could do one in high school, you can probably still do it today. Check yourself, homie. This isn’t Dance Revolution.
You also want to check your look. After your first chicken dance, it’s likely your sweet wedding digs will need a quick nip and tuck. Take every third dance off to walk the room, check yourself in the mirror, and greet all your friends and family from out of town.
Also, make sure that every thirty minutes you check in with your new wife. Hold her hand, kiss her on the shoulder, and get back on the dance floor. You also have to work the room. It’s almost like doing laps. Hit the right side of the reception hall, hit the dance floor, hit the left side, hit the bar, hit the bathroom for a quick tuxedo check, hit the dance floor. Before the party you’ll likely have some bro time. Come the main event, it’s all about bride time. Follow her lead and you won’t go wrong.
Going convertible is another good idea. Vests look great without jackets, so do suspenders. Cummerbunds are a little harder to maintain once the jacket comes off. Consider skipping this look if you are more Seth Rogan than David Beckham and going instead for a slimming vest. Suspenders look great on everybody.
Rule Number 5 – Don’t Shut the Party Down
You’re having the time of your life, but save some energy for the night with your bride. Nobody’s gonna blame you for skipping out around midnight. In fact, it’s a tradition. Let the bridesmaids and groomsmen do the heavy partying and shut things down. This is the first night of the rest of your life. You’ll shut down plenty other parties. This one is just beginning.